Saturday, February 12, 2005

Once again...

I am broken, emptied like at attic.
Full of waste, i'm an consumed,
the king of holes, the sovereign addict.
Two times, my charms up ahead?
My lady, my dear,
my love, my friend.
No more, not anymore,
my hope is dead.
A simple desire,
turned gradual demise,
I thought it was my life for yours,
but it's your life taking mine.




Well well, here I am again. Returned to the same boat I escaped from a
year ago. It must be january. I hope this doesn't turn into an annual
happenstance. Hey, at least I'm growing up. Pain does indeed hurt, but
it doesn't kill, unless you let it. I've decided not to let it, and so
I've decided to turn my pain into passion. A very general word and
idea, I know - but also all inclusive. I'm writing a record, a book -
and pouring my heart out onto paper and prayers every day. If it was
only myself in this mess, I wouldn't make it. But, gladly there's
Something I can lean on. I can't trust myself, and I can't trust those
I deemed the closest to me and trustable. I can't trust to human love,
because it is faulty, it is selfish, it is fickle, it turns on a dime,
and it is not loyal. There is something bigger, purer, and more satisfying
that I can trust and surrender my
heart to, with perfect knowledge that I won't be forsaken. Don't get me
wrong, I hate the generalized word
"Christians" as much as everyone else does. I don't even call myself
one - I am simply a believer. I choose to believe, of my own
free will in Something Other. Not because I can't face reality, but
because I choose to. Not because of my faith, but despite it. Despite
my lack. Despite the fact that - as a human - it is impossible for me
to represent Christ on earth without tarnishing His Perfect Image. Yet
still I try, yet still I live. If it turns out I was wrong, at least i
lived for a Purpose, at least I lived with a Hope. If it turns out I
was right, there is unfathomable reward. It's a win-win. I know how
dark and desperate this world is: consumerism, money-grubbing
evangelists, greed, pride...I know our culture, our world has no hope
in and of itself. Our whole culture suffers from the ruining effect of
gradualism, and yet i buy into it.
That itself is a reason why i believe there's a God,
because
without hope there is nothing, and I won't choose to believe in a life
that consists of nothing. Sure, judge me - call me whatever you want; a
dreamer, someone who won't face the truth, tell me that I'm a weakling
that has to believe in something. I'll tell you that they're all true.
I am nothing, I have nothing good to offer, I am filthy with sin and
hypocrisy. At least I'm honest. But I believe in redemption. I believe
that truth overcomes. I believe that those few beautiful moments I see
of human compassion and forgiveness are worth all the murder, rape and
deceit I see, and point to a higher human destiny that we are called to, but
few venture in. I choose to love a God, I choose to be loved by God, I
choose to believe in a God, I choose to be redeemded by a God,
and I choose not to compromise my beliefs. I choose to
give myself completely over to the pursuit of my beliefs, and He in whom I believe.
This is passion, this is love. Despite the fact that my heart
is in thousands of shattered pieces, despite the fact that I am
abandoned and forgotten by those closest to me, despite the fact that I
am feeling overwhelming pain in an overwhelming situation, still I
cling. I cling to Hope, to Mercy, to Justice and Redemption, Love and
Forgiveness. I cling to the only thing I have left. There is nothing
else.

7 Comments:

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Shadow Crescent Knight said...

We've been abandoned. Yeah, we've been left behind. Red hot daggers in our conscious through the long cold night. Are we growing ugly? Are we wasting time? Tell me your truth, kid. I'll tell you mine. I've crawled through obscurity to find the heavy burden of a wasted life. Go north. Endure the pain in your burning young mind. Through the broken backs in the sands of time you've been recalled to life. We are the bright lights in these dark times. Thoughts like razors in our conscious through the long cold night. Lonely and wide eyed. We won't be sleeping tonight. Get broken. Regenerate. Resurrect. Is your city still sick? Are you still desperate? Get broken. Regenerate. Resurrect. Prepare your heart for what lies ahead.
Is it wrong to want to walk away when every day of your life looks like today and today looks like a rotting lifeless gray? I don't know where things went wrong with me...but I feel like I’ve become a timid shadow of the person I’ve always wanted to be. And I've been thinking about my past today...thinking of all those times I was afraid...and all those times that I felt worthless and ashamed. I know, I thought I was strong. I said I would never change...but that burning house left me an empty frame...and no longer can I decay...no longer can I keep my heart locked away. Have you ever felt like you are wasting your whole life searching for something you can't find? There's been so much talk of so many slashed up wrists...but we're much too young to be dwelling on thoughts like this. So scrape your heart up from the bottom of the bottom of the barrel. Keep your faith in the path that's growing narrow. Kill the doubt inside your head. We overcome. We push ahead.



Mike I love you! Hold on man!

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger RahX said...

Music is good redemption.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger travis said...

Who is this broken man named Michael that posted the first comment. Sounds more like Luther posting a note on a door, a vision being birthed, death being born again, a stake being put into the ground to mark 'this day forward,' a man tired of complaints and ready to 'Be the change he wants to see in the world.' I would follow this man named Michael. Whoever, or whatever he is.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Shadow Crescent Knight said...

Hey T why haven't you called me back I have been trying to get ahold of you dude. Lots of cool stuff has been happening in K.C. Love to hear whats been going on in M-town.

 
At 12:10 PM, Blogger Roxanne said...

Hey--
I'll fill you in on what's been goin on in m-town: nothing.
:)

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger travis said...

PAUL- Call me. Sorry for not returning your call(s). I've been very busy and I think that my phone has also acted up a bit (bad boy).
It irks me when people don't return my calls- hope I have not caused any irkage in your life. All apologies and please forgive me.
So call me and lets talk soon. Love to hear what's going on w/ you in K.C. and share the good stuff that's going on here.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Bryan said...

blah

 

Post a Comment

<< Home